grateful heartache

Above my bed lies a cork board. It's the culmination of hundreds of memories, all slapped together and shoved into a tiny space. 

There's the grotesquely distorted picture of me that Tisha drew. Under that there are at least 12 story assignments that I never bothered to take down. There are business cards, missionary pictures, and more than a few checklists that constantly remind me I have better things to do than blog. 

Peeling it back layer by layer, there's a picture of Alyssa and I. She was in Logan less than two hours ago, but I already miss her. There is a list of goals I made at the start of the semester that I can't look at now, because I'm sure I failed all of them. 

I feel nerves in my body are sore, like they've been stretched out and snapped back into place a few too many times over the past week, only to settle in a heap in the bottom of my stomach. Life is a funny thing. I got exactly what I prayed for, but it's only now, sitting on my unmade bed surrounded by my roommates suitcases that I tense with fear. For the first time in months I feel like crying out in frustration. 

Oh, the irony. I prayed that I would be able to find a job, and I found three, two for summer and one for fall. I prayed that I would know what to do during summer, even if that meant going back to Salt Lake. Here I am, on the phone trying to get an apartment for summer. I prayed that the boy would understand when I told him I was young, and that I needed to find myself a little. Not only did he understand, but he agreed, kissed me on the head and gave me flower. My heart almost burst in gratitude, because I realized no matter what happens, he'll be one of my best friends. 

I'm not sad or angry. I've always liked change because it forces me out my comfort zone. It lets me see myself from different perspectives. 

Yet, sitting in this tiny room that smells of must and body spray, the fear and the doubt seem to be crawling all over me. Suddenly, all of my choices seem irrational. I don't want to live away from my best friend. I want to see my family. I want to go back and teach swimming lessons. I want to have the surety of waking up at 6 AM and running on the canal while the sun rises, then picking up a newspaper in my driveway on the way inside and sitting by the French doors, eating grapefruit and letting the warm sunshine seep into me.  

I know I need to be here. I want to be here. It's the start of my own adventure. I just need to push forward, and realize that people have my back, even if they're living 100 miles away.

"Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."


This is not usually my thing, but I saw it on another blog and realized that I can't possibly thank every person who has touched my life this year. I wish I could write a note to each one of them. There are far more people  who have changed me for the better than this. I could list out 1000. However, with pending finals I only had time for this list. In no particular order, here goes:

• Carla and Shaun Evensen
• Brayden Evensen
• Hunter Evensen
• Mattie Evensen
• Savannah Evensen
• Gram and Gramps Evensen
• Tisha Santana
• Andie-Pants Grant
• Kinsey Wilson
• Sarah Pugsley
• Rhett Wilkinson
• Mariah Noble
• Jake Norr
• Kasey VanDyke
• Jen Millet 
• Alyssa Littell
• Shawnee Smith
• Kellyn Neumann
• Ben Wood
• Amy Braithwaite
• Jessica Beauchamp
• Scott Daniels
• Shaun Anderson
• Katie Brammer
• Anna Armas
• Catherine Meidell 
• Rachel Scott
• Megan Bainum
• Brenda Cooper
• Tyrell Morris
• Michael Dephillips 
• Ricky Nope
• Dan Smith
• Chelsey Gensel 
• Kisti Christensen
• Stephen Thorup
• Jeannie Tran
• Korrine Ivory
• Taylor Halversen
• Cody Robbins
• Stanford and Ann Hamilton
• McCall Parrish
• Tyson Mears
• April Ashland
• Brenna Allen
• Courtnie Packer
• Belen Moyano
• Rob Jepson
• Seth Edwards
• Mitch Steed
• Jason Bluemel
• Seth Gardner
• Elisabeth VanWagoner
• Eric Walker
• Laura Walker
• Lincoln Rico
• Amanda Mears
• Morgan Powell
• Tamra Lee
• Tori Jensen
• Kristen Gardner
• Nate Hansen
• Andrea and Terran Church
• Lindsley Miller
• Andy Lyman
• Brad Mears
• Carlos Murillo
• Debbie Olson
• Erika Norton
• Nicholas Lauritzen
• Nick Berlin
• Becca Muniz
• Solomon Gardner
• Lisa Schwartz
• Bishop May
• Dustin Crawford
• Diane and Ken Mears
• Ryan Mears
• Kristen Gardner
• Jesus Christ

If you're on this list and you don't know why, there's a good reason. If you read this and say "Hey, this girl is a creep!", you're probably right. At least I'm a grateful creep.

We should get jerseys, 'cuz we make a good team....

 ...But yours would look better than mine because you're out of my league. That has nothing to do with what I'm about to write.

In the past two weeks I've worn more pencil skirts, filled out more applications, and  been interviewed more than I have have been in my entire life.

My ENTIRE life people. That's almost 20 years.

Tomorrow is the day that decides if I stay in Logan over the summer. It's the day that will determine my position on the paper next year. It's the day when I'll know that all of the articles, meetings, interviews, schmoozing, councils, positions, blah blah blah, will pay off.

It's a pretty big day. Wouldn't you say?

I've had the time of my life the past few weeks. I haven't slept, but I'll take the advice of Steve Shelton (A.K.A coolest toy store owner ever. I got to interview him) :

"I'll sleep when I'm dead."


Three things:
1. I really miss editing. I like writing. I love editing.
2.I need a good outfit.
3. I don't want to mess this up.

PS. I know it's annoying to add this five hours later....but as of today, I never have to go to kick-boxing again.   Kick-boxing almost ruined my life at least 6 times. I'm still not sure how I passed...

I don't get many things right the first time (or the second...)

I don't get nostalgic.

Now is now, then is then.

Buuuttttt.....I guess there's an exception to every rule.

The JEA convention was in Anaheim this year. I only know because of Facebook. I just looked through 250 pictures of kids I don't even know. A creepy time waster? Yes. I couldn't drag myself away.

"Holy hannah," I said to myself. "That's me. But not me."

You see, Anaheim is where it all started. After a week in Anaheim, all of the other kids on the newspaper staff probably told their parents about Disneyland and the old drunk men on the bus. After a weekend of listening to reporters from NPR, The New York Times, and The Washington Post, I came home and told me parents I wanted to be a journalist. They probably let it slide. I'm famous for temporary bouts of insanity that have caused me to play the flute (fail), kick a soccer ball (trrripppp), sing (ouch), and attempt building diatonic chords (don't ask and I won't have to tell).

Luckily for me (and my poor parents, who have had to pay for every lesson imaginable) it stuck.

And now I'm sitting on a dorm bed with 2 deadlines. I couldn't be happier.

2008 & The girls who let the annoying little twerp follow them around :)

Today I learned about statistical comparisons and livers.

So...

Imagine me in a small auditorium surrounded by PHD candidates, scientists and pictures of human livers (The plural of liver is livers. I looked it up just for this post). As a discussion of metabolic disorders rages around me, I retreat to Words with Friends, feeling like quite the imbécil.

I have just sat through an hour of torture that biologists call "Cellular Therapy in Mendelian Disorders". And by accident too...well, kind of. I was supposed to be working on an article on the new head of the Biology Department (turns out there isn't one. World +1, Allee 0) so I went to a seminar in which I THOUGHT they were announcing the big man. Nope, they only talked about Rat Livers. I was sitting in the back row, so I could have just left but it felt strangely inappropriate. And it probably would have gone like this:

Allee gets up to sneak away halfway through the section on transplanting rat livers, trips over some people's feet, falls on her face, trips over the projector cord, causing the PowerPoint to black out.

Speaker/Scientist/Really smart guy looks at her quizzically.

"Oh, hey Mr...Doctor Guy," I say. "I need to go do something that will actually apply to my life. I wish you luck with your disorders...I mean, solving disorders."

By now, the whole audience is looking at the girl on the floor, trying to figure out what planet she came from.
She crawls through the door and decides she can never show her face in the science department again. Not that she does anyway.

I decided to prevent this daydream from becoming a reality.
For a very long hour I squirreled my face into my Ipod and pretended to be take notes.

Even though it wasn't in my control I feel like I dropped the bomb on the article. Probably because I did.

Needless to say, my brain is gone. Shot. Poof.

Despite the amount of "terrible" potential this day had, I felt such an influx of kindness from the people around me that I couldn't help but smile.

Thanks all you random (and not so random) people.

I wish I could hug you.

PS. Google is now sending me ads that say "Need a Liver?". I need to be more careful what I blog about.

graceless

Dear World,

First thing's first, I apologize for being such an awkward person. I'm sorry I get tongue tied when the cool kids talk to me. I can feel you cringe when my timing is terrible, or when I'm not sure where my hand is supposed to go. I know I'm a little clumsy. I know when there's a blanket of silence, I'm bound to break it with some goofy comment. I was born inelegant. Even though I try to hide that part of me, it generally shows up at convenient times like job interviews, dates, and parties.

Despite this,World, thank you for a wonderful day. Thank you for sending me friends who can look beyond my gawky self, and a boy that can too (well...I guess time will tell). Thank you for shaping my life into something good this year. Thank you for giving me guts right in the moments I needed them most. Thank you for all of the people you've sent into my life. I just read a blog where a girl lists out the 100 people who have influenced her for good in the past year. Someday, if I have time I'll do that because I want all of these wonderful people to know who they are.

Just thanks. For turning this really awkward girl into....something good. I'm not sure what it is yet.

Love,

Allee